photo by my husband

Lately, I haven’t been online as much. I’ve been even slower at responding to emails and tweets and comments, and I haven’t been accepting any new travel or speaking engagements this spring. I can finally tell you why (and also ask for your patience in the future as this will be a major–and wonderful!–adjustment for our family).

We have a new daughter! She came home yesterday and we are all completely smitten with her. We adopted her from China, and while I know many people have many opinions on adoption, we know this little girl is meant to be in our family and are so very, very grateful that she’s here. It has been a long process and it feels wonderful to have her in our arms.

I don’t post information/pics regarding my kids online (having a judge for a dad has made me all too aware of crazy things that can happen), but I can tell you that she’s an infant and that she is adorable. And I want to thank you all for your support! I am grateful for all of YOU blog readers and book readers as well.

We took our kids to Disneyland for the first time over the long weekend. My husband and I both had work off and so we decided to go for it–the kids have been wanting to go for a LONG time and they are perfect ages (everyone able to walk by themselves, use the potty, etc.). So off we went.

I spent the first day walking around in bliss. No jacket! Churros scenting the air! My three little people grinning and beaming and joyful about everything! My husband, as always, infinitely patient and hilarious and gentle and smiling.

It was a very good day, so much so that we stayed when night came on.

My middle boy, to our surprise, proved to be completely unafraid of any and all rides. He went on Indiana Jones, the roller coasters, and Splash Mountain without any fear. In fact, when we asked him what he’d like to do again, he wanted Splash Mountain. “You should take him,” my husband said. (For the initial experience, I had been confined to the Winnie-the-Pooh ride with our littlest guy.)

I have always loved roller coasters and scary rides, and in previous Disneyland trips (as a kid, as a newly-minted high school graduate, as a young teacher chaperoning students), I always headed to those places first. So I climbed aboard with my two older boys without any feeling of apprehension.

And then we came up to the drop.

My middle boy took my arm and pulled it around him, tight, and put his arm over mine. And in that moment of rare physical closeness, the two of us tucked together, I felt his heart fluttering, and we began to fall.

He made no sound. Neither did I. Everything was very, very black. And– though I had been on the ride before– in some deep, primeval way that had more to do with the dark than the drop, I was afraid.

The picture in the display afterward did not show us. The man in front raised his arms and he was a big guy, and so my son and I did not appear in the picture at all, just one pink sleeve of my hoodie showing up in the corner.

For a moment, it was haunting, the nearly complete obliteration of the two of us. But I knew that moment would be forever imprinted in my mind. When it was dark, and the two of us were falling together, and we both held on.

photo credit Brook Andreoli

I spoke about this little tin heart in a keynote address earlier this year. It’s from the story of the tin soldier and how, at the end of everything, this was all that was left of him. The tin soldier story is one of those Job-like tales where everything keeps going wrong, over and over again, and you think, “Things can’t go on like this!” but then they do.

2011 was a very wonderful year in many ways and a year that in other ways marked the beginning of difficult things that will likely not end soon.

One curse and one gift from this year is that I feel like my little tin heart is on fire all of the time. I have become more observant of all the little cruelties people perpetuate upon each other, but I have also become deeply aware of all the kind things that people do for one another. Earlier this month, I went to the mall with my youngest boy. I dread going to the mall during Christmastime–I’m not a big shopper any time of the year, and it’s so busy during the holidays. But it had to be done. And I found myself on the verge of tears several times over the course of those few hours, as I watched several acts of kindness where the person performing the act had no idea they were being observed. I might not have had the time to see them, had I not been moving at a three-year-old’s pace with my little guy. His eyes were wide with wonder and delight at everything, and I was fragile, in a good way for once, a walking assemblage of pieces shattered and put together again, broken and humbled and then made whole again by good people doing good things.

I can’t watch when people are being mean to each other. I get no joy in reading snarky blogs or mean reviews or in writing them myself–I don’t do any of those things. I’m not talking about honest, thoughtful criticism or parody etc., just meanness. Don’t get me wrong: I love well-done satire, my sense of humor tends toward the sarcastic, sometimes I come across as distant or blunt because I’m thinking about other things, those that haunt my mind and heart. Sometimes I am just plain grumpy. I make many, MANY mistakes and it is the ongoing goal of my life to be more patient and kind, and one I will probably never fully achieve. But I have to keep trying.

I believed before this year, and even more firmly believe now, that all that matters is whether or not you loved and were loved. That little heart, to me, represents what is left when everything else about you has been taken or burned away.

My wish for my little family, and for all of you, is an increased measure of love and kindness in 2012.

This Saturday, December 17th, at the wonderful Orem Public Library, I will be signing with a bunch of amazing authors (including Brandon Mull, Jessica Day George, Bree Despain, Nathan Hale, Kristen Chandler, Rick Walton, Robison Wells, Dan Wells, Tyler Whitesides, Jed Henry, and E.J. Patten) from 12:00 -2:00 p.m. That is a LOT of authors and, if you are in the Orem area, you could (and should!) come and get all of your holiday shopping finished right then and there. Because who wouldn’t love a signed book?

This is the last signing I have on the schedule for 2011, and I also don’t have any planned yet in the new year, so please come! I would love to sign your books.

Also, speaking of books…

…if you are related to me, you PROBABLY SHOULDN’T READ THE REST OF THIS POST BECAUSE I AM GOING TO TALK ABOUT YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

I give a lot of books at Christmastime. It can’t be helped. And the really wonderful thing about living where I do is that we have lots and lots of authors coming through and our local indie, The King’s English, does so many amazing signings. So, without further adieu, I present the list of Books I’m Giving This Christmas.

The brothers-in-law this year are receiving VARIANT by Robison Wells.

My nephew is getting JANITORS by Tyler Whitesides.

My nieces are going to get books by Jessica Day George. The oldest niece gets Jessica’s first book, the newest niece gets Jessica’s latest book. See how I did that?

In my little family, we have a tradition of opening a book and pajamas on Christmas Eve. This has been going on since my oldest boy was born. This year, he’s getting a lot of books, including REDWALL by Brian Jacques.

My middle guy loves books by Kevin Sherry, and I just discovered this one, and the cover alone is worth the price (it makes me laugh every time I look at it–ACORNS EVERYWHERE!).

And my youngest loves the second OTIS story (OTIS AND THE TORNADO), so we’re getting him the first one too.

(I still have to buy the books for my husband and myself.)

That’s it, for now. What books are you giving (and hoping to receive) this year?

This is one of those posts where I have a lot of unconnected information to share…

Item #1. There are a few updates to the Breathless Reads Tour info over on the Events page. The NYC event at Books of Wonder has changed to 6 p.m. instead of 7 p.m., and we had an incorrect address for the CO event (now the address is the right one).

Item #2. MATCHED stayed on the NYT list for its 8th week! Woohoo!

Item #3. My friend Becca Wilhite, YA author and good person extraordinaire, has a very fun blog. You can find it here. Just reading it makes me happy and I wanted to share.

Item #4. Chips and salsa to go from Chili’s can cure a host of ills.

Item #5. I will be answering some of the questions left in the comments on my last post in a post next week. (Does that even make sense?) So if you have other questions, just leave them in the comments here!

Happy Thursday!

The other night I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep.

This, for me, a chronically exhausted mom of a 2.5 year old who STILL doesn’t sleep through the night, was a big deal.

I realized I was feeling scared. Anxious. About some things very very little and some very very big.

The next day my dad came to town.

(When all of the wonderful things with MATCHED were happening this fall, we found out that my dad had cancer. That’s not my story to tell; suffice it to say that he underwent surgery and has a good prognosis and I adore him.)

My dad walked in to visit (he lives three hours away) and he looked, more than he had in months, like his old self. “What do you want to do?” he asked. “I’ll watch the kids!”

I said maybe I could run on the treadmill (since our air outside is toxic, another thing that could keep me up at night) while he played with the kids. I plugged in the iPhone to the treadmill and he and the kids played in the basement room while I ran. I pounded along and they drove cars across my dad’s arms. I was hot and sweaty and felt embarrassed that my dad could see how slow I was compared to high school. But then he kept calling out to me. “This is fun!” “I love this song!” (Or, when the kids followed him around the room: “I feel like a rock star.”)

I punched up the treadmill and ran faster because my dad was watching and cheering.

I remembered again how he has the best laugh in the world and how everything is funnier with him there.

Last night I climbed into bed and could feel the worries waiting to come again. They started in. But then I heard my dad puttering around downstairs, making all of the sounds I remembered from my childhood: getting a glass of water, closing cupboard doors, etc.

And I fell asleep.